Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Education is vital

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra