Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo