Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
😭😭😭
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?