Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.