Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!