Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it