R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Botany good plants lately?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.