Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.