R.I.P.
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
