Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there