R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
You Might Also Like
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.