Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.