R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Pringles
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras