R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
#NoRestForTheWicked
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat