Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
🙄😏😂🤣
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
@funTweeters I am at your service….
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.