R.I.P.
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wow he looks just like him
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me