Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”