r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”