r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.