r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
happy halloween
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.