Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

Twitter is an abusement park.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.