Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”