Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

tinder is all about the long game

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

dictator is short for richard potato

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

I’m too immature for adultery.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice