Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.