Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

ㅤ

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

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-Librarians arguing

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”