Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

yea so i messed up lol

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.