Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?