@bornmiserable

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

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@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@fuzzlime

If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

@PetrickSara

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

@huntigula

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@andlikelaura

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.