Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.