Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.


I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. 🤔


Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*


women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there


[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless


Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.


If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started


Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to “make elephant! Now teapot!” As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.