@bornmiserable

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

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@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

@MaryBurns007

I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. 🤔

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@tarashoe

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

@sixfootcandy

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

@Playing_Dad

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

@mstluvstrinkets

Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to “make elephant! Now teapot!” As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.