Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.