Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”