Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Story of my life…..

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.