Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Noted.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning