Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)