Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You Might Also Like
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
ready to be harvested
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom