Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You Might Also Like
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.