Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
hi why am I like this
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I can’t stop watching this.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.