Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.