Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox