Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Every photo I’m tagged in
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I’d love this…lol
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Perfect
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”