Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
There’s always that one guy
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Holy moly
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Children of the corn 🌽
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
#TopTip
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A male goth is called a broth.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
