Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

#StillHurts

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee