Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

Orange cat behavior 😂

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.