Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

*watches the world burn*

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.