Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

#merica

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…

Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me