Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.