Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

What the hell is going on?

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!