Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
like swimming in quick dry cement
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.