Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
umm…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.