“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
BRO LMFAO
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.