Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Shower sex be like:

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.