Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worlds greatest photobomb

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!