Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.