Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.