Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff