Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m not sorry.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!