Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.