Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
mechanics be like
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.