Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.