Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You Might Also Like
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
pain
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS