Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna