Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I saw this ending much differently.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.