Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.