[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people