succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper