Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.