Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
getting seasonal up in here
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.